Christmas.
But.. It doesn't quite feel like it. I am having mixed emotions about Christmas this year. It is my first Christmas married, my first Christmas morning with hubs, and my first Christmas not waking up in my hometown with my mom and dad. A lot of first.
The temperature is at a short sleeves 60 degrees and I am just dying for snow. Andy has had to work late this week which reminds me again and again, I am a grown up. Just because its a week before Christmas and my heart feels like warm hot chocolate and Christmas stories doesn't mean I get the childlike liberty to abandon all and play and dream and do what I want.
What I want, what makes me feel like Christmas is.. M and M's and coke. As long as I can remember, from five years old to seventeen, when my Grandma Ginnie came for Christmas, she always brought M and M's and we always had coke waiting for her. The combination carried us into many late nights of wrapping, Christmas movies, unwrapping(early), and late night runs to the grocery store.
Do you know what? I miss that. I miss being young and I miss making those memories. I have new memories to make now, new traditions, but I can't help but linger a little (or a lot) in the nostalgia of what was. "What was" includes my dad. I am taking a small step out to talk about him, but I wont talk too much. All I can say is that my heart misses him and it misses him the most at this time of the year. I guess this is what the holidays do to people.
Enough of that.
More of this. Jesus, Father in Heaven, Holy Spirit. When my heart wells up with mixed emotion, I remember who You are and why I am here. This is where I will put my heart this holiday. In the hands of a Father who loves me beyond compare.
And isn't that the best gift of all? The forgiveness and love from our Father on Christmas.
If you feel willing, post a Christmas memory in the comments section. Maybe something close to your heart. I would love to read. I love a good Christmas memory no matter who it comes from.
7 comments:
I remember in 6th grade all I wanted as an adidas jacket. Did I play soccer you ask? No, but there were very hip at the time. Well my mom, the super duper I have never found any of her presents one day asked me to unload groceries from the car. I also would like to add, my mom would never (and still to this day) would admit that there is no Santa. So as I am in the truck of my moms mini van (is she is a soccer mom you ask? No, no she is not), I open the cooler to see if there is any frozen treats to be unloaded. What do I find in there? Oh, a black reversible adidas jacket. Oh I get so excited I'm going to be so popular in school now. I keep my mouth shut, only to find on Christmas day "santa" had brought me an adidas jacket. From there, I could remove that 1% of hope that maybe Santa was real? Almost disappointing. And yes, I still do have my jacket and yes, I am still hip!
I love this memory! You are still hip and I would like to see that jacket. Oh Gina- you are such a cool mom!
Most memorable for me would have to be the Christmas that I got a drum set. I begged for years for a drum set, and my mom always said no - that it would give her a headache. Finally, I got sneaky. This year I didn't put drum set on my list (which was the list my mom gave my grandparents). I knew that she would remove "drum set" before forwarding the list to them. So, I didn't put it on there.
Instead, one night I was helping my grandfather work in his garage, and I casually told him about a dream I had of being the drummer on stage at our church one day (seriously - I wanted to really bad) and how I couldn't wait until I had enough money saved so I could buy my own.
At Christmas with the grandparents, the whole family watched as I opened each gift -- a tradition that we used to have (after the 12 grandchild, it became too much and now we do it a little different). I finished opening everything and no drum set. However, I was always taught to NEVER be displeased with gifts, no matter how much you want something. So, I went over and hugged my grandparents and told them thank you. Then, Pop finally said "Ben I'm sorry, I just can't do that to you anymore" and he said "okay y'all bring it in" and my uncles brought in three HUGE boxes.
We have it on video, I almost cried. I opened the boxes and there it was - shining black with brass cymbols. Of course we had to take it home and put it together RIGHT AWAY.
So, today I'm the church drummer. Funny huh...
What a sweet story Ben! Now you're a church drummer, how neat!
You wrote something about your father, K. If he has passed, my heart goes out to you in the missing of him in your life. I lost my father this year. I remember vividly last Christmas like it was yesterday. I think he knew it would be he last, we hoped it wouldn't. I would have to say that last year would have to be my best Christmas, Dad was here. I know so many people have a hard time at holidays when they have had upheaval in their lives, or loss of loved ones, but our loved ones would tell us to be happy, cherish one another, embrace the moments we have together, and know that love is what binds us together. May your Christmas be beautiful, and may we all reflect on its meaning, and always count the blessings in our lives over the hardships.
Tina, thanks so much for your kind words. My father did not pass away, its just the circumstances of our relationship right now.
K- thank you for you comment on my blog, unfortunately I removec that post before I saw I had a comment, but I your comment was in my email box. What sweet words you wrote, my heart continues to go out to you. Your story touches me, deeply, and joy and goodness to you and yours always.
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