Wednesday, November 2, 2016

11/2


  
 Today was his birthday.
 I thought about him all day. 

I prayed some. I prayed that God could forgive him. 
 I prayed for many years that God could heal his mind and restore him to who he once was.
I know God doesn't answer all of our prayers.
 I will never know why.
 I see the joyfulness in Drew and Greer's smiles and the sunshine that beams from their faces and I can't imagine how anything in this world once so close to my heart could ever be so dark.
 I know that I can't take any days for granted. 

 I get caught up in worry. Worrying about Andy's traveling, worrying about what is best for the girls, worrying about my own heart and if I am giving it to the Lord for all of the harshness last year brought. I worry for the hearts of those who are right there in the mess of it, too.
 Our hearts need tending, all of us. 




 And even though some days feel frustrating and I dwell on things I have no control over and why God doesn't do what I ask Him to..

 I know, undoubtedly
He still loves me. He loves me every day when I pick Drew up from lunch bunch and she runs to see me like I am literally her very own Disney princess. He loves me through my amazing family who sees me frazzled, trying to complete my studies, and scoops my babies out the door to entertain them, lovingly for hours. He loves me with a really hard working husband who spends too much time on airplanes and on the road, giving me the opportunity to go back to school and chase my dreams. He loves me with a sleeping baby, a smiling baby, a really loving baby.
 I felt sad today, but I also felt like pulling myself out of the mud and looking at the beauty God surrounds me with. I am so thankful for this life. So thankful that God chose to give me the "best" girls and the duty of being a mother. God really is good even when His plans are not ours. I type it because it's true but if I am honest, I pray that God would give me complete peace with this truth.
I wish I could've shard this truth with him. You were good to me, many years you loved me more fiercly than I think some dads know how to. There was a time when you loved me because you knew God loved you.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

2 comments:

Mary N said...

Beautiful words Kirbey

kellie Maddox said...

Me too, honey. All that was good in him he gave to you before his world became dark. I am so blessed you're mine.